"If I hide myself wherever I go, am I ever really there?"

As I journeyed to work this morning, I was struck by this particular line in the song “For You” by the Barenaked Ladies. This was already one of my favorite songs of theirs but it seemed to resonate more than in the past. One of many things I have been wrestling with lately has been the idea of finding out who I really am. Not just titles or roles I play—wife, teacher, friend, sister, daughter—but deep inside of me, in my heart, who I am. I struggle with this because I harbor a fear that if people really see me, they won’t like me; that they will be scared away or won’t think I am worth getting to know. That’s a scary thought for me. As a result, I like to hide myself—from others and from myself. But if I hide it, am I there? Have I really been living life or just pretending? What would it be like to live life fully engaged and open? Not open to the point of sharing everything with everyone but at least willing to be vulnerable and honest about myself with others, whether I like what I see or not and whether they like what they see or not. It seems to come down to a matter of trust: trust that people will like me, do like me, and want to get to know me. And to be okay with the fact that not everyone is going to be my friend. I can’t control how people react to me or what they think and that is okay. All I can be is me. However, in order to be myself, I need to know myself and therein lies the struggle. I want to know me. That’s hard to do. It hurts sometimes. It’s pain like I have never experienced before. But it’s a good pain because I know good things will come from it ultimately. I feel exposed. I feel bruised and broken. But I feel safe. I feel taken care of. And that makes it okay. So I get up and carry on. And still search. And still yearn. And seek to really be there.